Thursday, December 9, 2010

My activities are becoming a burden to my wife. Over the past few years my mental problems have caused periodic problems in our household. Now, however, periodic is becoming part of my "normal, daily activity". Nearly every aspect of my day-to-day life is changing, and everything I do is questionable.  

Imagine going through your life knowing that whatever you do or think might be wrong, but you swear that what you did or thought was right. In your mind you're right, but your own history has proven this isn't the case. Now you can't trust anything you do or think. You can't confidently make decisions, offer advice or even form plans because your thinking ability is in question. 

We go through life confident that our decisions will at least match our feelings, life philosophy and personality; in other words, our feelings and thoughts will actually be our feelings and thoughts. If something happens that calls your thinking into question, and you cannot be confident that what you do is who you are, then your identity also comes into question. This is where I am now.

I'm afraid to offer advice, give direction or even be involved in a conversation. I can't trust my judgement. I am aware of this now, but there will come a time when I am not. That's when there'll be no more lookng back, because looking back will no longer be possible.
I remember years ago watching a real good friend walking across the factory floor after being fired. He was in his early 70's, and I had hired him as the plant nurse. He had begun his career as an RN as a second career, and he was real good at his job. I chose him over the typical nurse-type woman because of his vast experience, along with his credentials as a nurse.

As I watched I knew this wold be his final job, and it broke my heart. I purposfully watched as he appeared to became smaller and smaller, until he turned the corner after walking nearly 100 years, and disappeared from sight. I am now him, and the world is me. I am slowly disappeaing into an unknown realm where there is no there is no staying out, nor getting out.

Will this transition take place so slowly that I won't even notice? Will I be aware as life as I know it is slowly slipping away? How will it happen, and how long will it take? Which will go first; my speech, my memory, my comprehension, my social skills?

Only God knows, and he likes to keep these things to himself. Thankfully.

Friday, December 3, 2010

A GLIMPSE INTO THE FUTURE ... SORT OF

I visited my father-in-law, Karl, at the nursing home today. His confusion and dementia continues, but at a lower, more subdued level. He is still the most pleasant, amiable and loving man he has always been.

Visiting a nursing home, whether you have someone there or not, is both a rewarding and humbling experience. There are always some people there that have no family, or friends or any visitors at all. They would love to have someone to talk to, to show an interest in them.

It is easy, actually common, to forget that these people, though old, confused and quite possibly not able to care for themselves, are people just like you and me. They all have an entire history of living, with the associated trials and tribulations, loves and hates, fears and joys. We should look at these wonderful people with the respect they deserve. Each has a story to tell, with no one to share. Be that person.

I say this with a specific purpose in mind; you might even call it selfish. It's quite possible that someday I'll be that person in the nursing home. Don't look at me as weird or stranger, or see me as a non-person; someone that had no past, and is now an empty shell of a man.

Remember, I was once where you are now, and someday you just might be where I am today.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A VISIT WITH THE THERAPIST

Another visit with the therapist today. I've been seeing the same one for the past 5 1/2 years, and we really seem to "click". I can open up to her, and feel comfortable. She doesn't push, but waits for me to come around.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Public Service Announcement

It seems that my Facebook account, which includes my email address and my password, has been intercepted by someone "across the pond". So I have created a new email account -

                                                       later2early@yahoo.com

I will be closing my Facebook account; I hardly ever use it, and there is too much risk.

Mike

Thursday, November 25, 2010

"CRAPPY, CRAPPY HOLIDAYS"

So, what thought comes to mind when you think of the holidays? I realize the answer will be different, depending on your age. As a kid at home, it's exciting. As a teen, it is boring and uninteresting. When the children come along, the excitement returns, but in a different way. Once the kids leave, the grand-kids come along. Then, unless you are one of the few fortunate people, the kids and grand-kids move away, and all of a sudden, it gets a little lonely.

When I think of the holidays, a number of visions come to mind. Christmas morning brings to mind me, sick on the couch, throwing up into a bucket. I would become so excited over what I was getting that I would be a wreck. (This went on until I was 20)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Be Thankful ... ALWAYS!


bp Magazine says it all:

A Thanksgiving Poem
 
 
Be Thankful
(author unknown)

Be thankful that you don't already have
everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.
 
 
Happy Thanksgiving from bp Magazine!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

DON'T PLACE YOUR DAISY MY OUTHOUSE (all it does is make the flower stink)

I purchased a new package of Mr. Coffee filters today; they come two to a pack. This is the kind that clamps onto the top of the filter basket to "pre-filter" the water. This might not be a big deal to you and, to be truthful, it isn't to me, either. And this isn't the point of my story.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Bad Days Come and Go

Are you aware of your functional zone? Your objective, whether conscious or not, is to reach and maintain this level. So each morning you get out of bed, drink your morning coffee and follow a set routine that gets you ready for the day. And you work throughout the day to maintain that level of "being".

Saturday, November 20, 2010

"The Dividing Line"

So, were is it ... the line that divides a dual diagnosis. I know, dual diagnosis usually refers to MI and alcohol / drug dependency. But I think it can be used as any illness that has any two causes. So, with that in mind, back to my point.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

"... A Day In The Life"

Sat today with a man in the throes of a strange mental breakdown. A normally very sound-minded, quiet-talking, very rational person, what comes out now is conspiracy, mix-and-match news and current events and a strong will that can be manipulated with carefully-planned talk. (By manipulate, I don't mean in a devious way; I am talking about a way to keep him safe without simply saying "no" all of the time.

It breaks my heart when someone I know and love has such a personality change; it's actually a little haunting. For me the haunting carries over to my own life. When will I reach this point? How will I act? Will know what I'm doing when I do it? I'm trying to learn all I can about what it's like to have Alzheimer's; at the beginning, at that point where that dance back and forth between reality and fantasy is suddenly danced on one side only.


Dancing back and forth.

Friday, October 29, 2010

SPREAD THE WORD

I recently ordered and received 10 "Alzheimer Awareness" bracelets from alz.org. I have worn one from "Campaign For The Brain" until the lettering wore off, and have just now replaced it a new one.

I like these kinds of bracelets. Each color, along with its wording, represents, both to the wearer and the observer that supporting the cause to eliminate this illness is important to the wearer. The ones who wear the bracelets can usually be counted on to be a near-expert on the topic.

A walking, talking advertisement on mental illness, Alzheimer's, MS, Leukemia, etc. giving real-life advice on real-life issues. These turn out to be the key to open communication and the sharing of information.  So, if you have a personal disorder, have a friend or family member who does or are simply interested in a cause, get one for yourself. It's fun, and it does a service that is needed. 


A simply way to serve the Christ who called us to do just that!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today

Too many things are going too wrong. Physically, mentally and emotionally all at once. DJD and arthritis cause my joints to hurt. DDD and scoliosis cause my back to hurt, which is causing failure in my right leg at this point. Mental illness is causing disjointed thoughts and actions. Younger Onset Dementia is causing escalating memory problems, which in turn result in a multitude of problems. 

I have, with increasing severity, problems with the things that Connie needs; reassurance, level-headed thought,  decision-making and the ability to remember the most basic of things. The needs someone she can depend on, and I can't. What in the hell are we supposed to do now?

I honestly don't know what to do at this point; probably maintain as is. But it seems that within a few years I'll need more care than Connie can provide; what then? Is it best to attack that problem now, and address the drastic changes that will be unavoidably necessary? I don't know? What? When?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

So, what do you think about "paranormal activity"; ghosts, poltergeists, spirits, hauntings, etc? Especially during this time of the year, it seems that everyone is interested in these things during the Halloween season.
Costumes representing ghouls, goblins, Batman. princesses, knights and vampires fill shelf after shelf of every store. Thousands of foam tombstones, animated witches and ghosts, fake spider webs; fake blood and scars; rubber brains and disembodied eyeballs for all to use in transforming the beautiful fall season into a ghoulish environment.

What is it about people that makes them pretend they want to be scared, but in reality the thought alone scares them? There might be a very small group of people who simply love being scared shitless. Most people, however, take their scare-factor to the level of being silly, and not a step further.


These "Halloween" people like to dress, act and decorate in the Halloween season, but when November 1st rolls around, their turkey utensils come out of the closet while, at the same time donning their red stocking caps and placing their sites on Christmas and it's festivities.

There are some that don't think about the supernatural only during this time of year. These people don't have a desire to be scared, but to understand. They desire to know more about disappearances, strange happenings, hauntings,  life-after-death and the sightings of spirits, ghosts and the demonic..They are curious about how the world works, and interested in finding explanations for things that can't be explained. When mankind doesn't understand something, they study it. When information is missing, they find it. When they encounter problems during the study, they work their way through them. Something happens outside our realm of understanding, and to try and figure it out is the next natural step.


Why do I bring this up at this time? Well, the first reason is fairly obvious; it's Halloween and most Americans have turned their attention  to this kind of thing. But that's the obvious reason. We have always found it easy to make fun of things we know nothing about. We make light of serial killers, asylums, straitjackets, bodily disfigurement, mental illness and brain-related odd behavior. We laugh at horrible costumes and props, making fun of bleeding, scaring, amputated limbs and disfigurement. But why; these things certainly aren't humorous and, when they occur to people we know, are seen most certainly as sad. 


Why don't we let our kids trick-or-treat as paraplegics in wheelchairs, or use crutches, pretending to be polio-victims? How about each child saying "trick-or-treat" as if they had a hair-lip or cleft-pallet? Maybe blindfold them, or fill their ears with cotton balls, and send them off as blind or deaf?


When it's put this way, I hope you can see how ridiculous this is. If we could only see things how they are, and then how they should be, stereotypes would be minimized, and a lot fewer people would be hurt.


The  world is not as we see it; the world is the way that it is. Redefining it doesn't make it change. All you can possibly change is appearance; you can't change the meaning.


If ghosts are real, then they are.
If mentally ill people are not serial killers, then they're not.
If handicapped people deserve to be respected, then they do.
If poltergeists move things around your house, then they do.


I don't know about you, but I'm going through life with these assumptions, and acting accordingly. 


Better safe than sorry, right?